Tuesday, October 1, 2013


After an epic screaming and crying episode that involved Clio pleading and begging for milk from me there is finally a lull in the storm.  The interlude is only because Leif has her in her bedroom and has pulled out every single one of her toys so that she is temporarily distracted. It won't last long, I already know it.

Yesterday Leif and I decided that it was finally time to whole-heartedly start the process of weaning our breast milk-obsessed daughter.  I never thought, holding my newborn daughter those couple years ago while trying to breast feed her through my own tears of pain and frustration, that I would be at this point today attempting to formulate a plan to get her weaned. Breastfeeding was not an easy thing for me.  It took multiple visits with a lactation consultant and innumerable moments of thinking I was a failure and that I was going to quit before Clio and I hit our stride.  Then we did and now here we are.  It was so worth it.

I started talking about weaning Clio when she was 18 months old.  It was a conversation I had many times with myself and with other people.  "I think it's time to stop breast-feeding Clio," I would say both aloud and to myself.  People would nod their heads (or not) and I would mentally begin the preparation for the process. Then, inevitably, I would start to think about the last time I would ever have nursing her and I physically could not make myself go through with it.  I just could not handle the idea of the last time.

With our fertility history I've been afraid of the last time not just being the last time with Clio but the last time ever. The very last time.  Losing her older brother and then the two miscarriages I've had this year has nearly convinced me that we won't ever be able to have another biological child. It is a hard pill to swallow and one I've been choking on.  I don't want this to be the last time I experience the special bond that exists between a mother and her baby.  But it may be the last time and it is something that I need to find a way to come to terms with.

It's going to be a process this whole weaning thing.  Easing into the idea is as much for me is it is for her. Baby steps.


  1. This issues tends to be so loaded for many people, and loaded in a different way, I think, for people who have struggled with infertility or pregnancy/baby loss. I just want to say I understand how complicated it is and I wish you the best of luck with a peaceful process of weaning.

  2. Wishing you an emotionally and physically easy transition. It is so fraught. You are doing an amazing job. Lots of love.

  3. It is very tricky. I think I was only ready to stop with R when he was. He just kind of lost interest (and he bit me and drew blood which helped!) and I don't know however I would have managed to wean him at all if I had found myself where only ALL the toys and Daddy would have worked as a distraction!
    Brooke and Mary Beth are so right - it is so much more fraught and loaded when it is all tangled up with the child that you could never feed and the ones that you fear you might never get to. Hope you can both ease your way through, peacefully and gently. Sending love to you and your family xo

  4. I don't know anything about breast feeding but I'm glad I finally stopped by your blog. This is such a beautiful and open post. Thanks for sharing a little window into your (and Leif's) world. That photo of you and your daughter is beautiful.